Ello, Love

They say God has a sense of humor. I tend to agree. Whenever I find myself veering too far to the left or swerving recklessly too far to the right of my “soul mission,” (whatever the hell that is), I start to hear the old worship song “The heart of worship” by Matt Redmond playing in my overloaded, tiny brain.

It’s funny because I never really liked that song. I always felt it shamed us for being human and not God’s doormat. Why feel ashamed for having humanly feelings? I wasn’t asked to take on this wayward meat suit. Not my fault I was given an ego..

Excuse me for living..geez

Yet, here I am, getting back to the heart of it all. Writing. I really do have a love hate relationship to the art. I love expressing. Hate putting it all out there and the vulnerability hangover that always follows.

Nasty comments, trolls, or even worse.. crickets.

I still keep coming back to it though. Like a rat dragging the trap behind him. Still needing to find a medium to help others. Empathizing with the hurting and attempting to use my words and experience as a guide.

Ironic, since I often couldn’t beat myself out of a wet paper bag. Yet I feel like I will cure the world of it’s dread by blogging. Hey, never said I wasn’t delusional from time to time.

Or perhaps, I’m just a wounded healer. Wanting to be the “helpers” as Mr. Rogers once described, yet needing to be helped at the same time. Isn’t that who a lot of us are? Taking turns licking each others wounds while we beg for them to not exist at all?

If I’m right, I’m just one voice of many, crying out into the void. At least I am not crying alone!

So, I’m going to put on my Brene Brown pants and be vulnerable, dammit. But first, let me find that Atlas to my Heart, it’s around here somewhere!

I am a huge Brene fan, ever since the Ted Talk that catapulted her into fame over 13 years ago. In all transparency, when I looked that up I spit my water straight out of my mouth. 13 friggin’ years? I’ve been on this healing journey that damn long?!

Sadly, yes.

But if you understood my stock, you would totally understand. Hell, you’d probably be amazed that I am still alive. Sometimes, I am amazed too. While I won’t delve too deep just yet, lets just say these eyes have seen horror from a very young age. Folks who experience that kind of trauma don’t always make it to adulthood. Even with all the bullshit that goes with it, I am grateful to suffer through it all.

There’s some joy mixed in too! That is what keeps me going. To experience more joyous moments while I can. I’m sure that is what keeps a lot of us going, and going, and going…

My job here is to be real, share what I’ve learned, share what I still need to learn, and sprinkle it all with crude humor. If that’s your bag, I’m glad you’re here.

Now that I’ve shared my credentials from the school of hard knocks, and hopefully building some trust, lets talk about burnout. Right for the jugular!

Burnout 

What’s the number one sign you might be experiencing burnout??

You google the signs and symptoms of burnout.

Gasp, I know.

Have you or a loved one been affected by assholes in the workplace, free loading family, the helicopter mom in the school drop off line, that girl scout cookie seller at the supermarket, the guy who tooted the horn at you when you were a millisecond late punching the gas when the light turned green? If so, you may be experiencing burnout – to which there is no compensation outside of withdrawal, depression, and a case of the fuck its.

And here we are kids. All out of fucks but I’m got this computer and an audience of 2! I’m gonna make it count for something.

Phases of Burnout 

Some of us are in the thick of burnout and don’t even know it. Had I researched this a few years ago I would have recognized I was dry humping phase 3 and well on my way to self destruction. Would I have intervened then? Knowing my stubborn, pull yourself up by your bootstraps – you can sleep when you’re dead ass, probably not.

But hey, maybe you are different and this information will prevent you from crashing and burning like a two seater Cessna in a trailer park. No need to thank me. I’m just here doing the Lord’s work.

Before we get too deep, I will warn you a bit. Once you see this, you can’t un-see it. Then the responsibility to love yourself enough to tell those taking advantage of you to kindly fuck off, rest solely on your shoulders.

Without further adieux.. The Phases of Burnout

1. Initial Enthusiasm:

   • Example: Starting a new job with eagerness and passion, taking on additional responsibilities willingly.

     “I’m Billy Badass and I can run circles around these folks. Let me prove my worth by doing my job and Sister Suzie’s job too.”

2. Stress Awareness:

   • Example: Recognizing an increase in workload, feeling pressure to meet deadlines, and experiencing a rise in stress levels due to high expectations.

     “Alright if I can just “work smarter, not harder” like my boss keeps suggesting, I will get on top of thangs and it’ll be smooth sailing from there.”

3. Onset of Chronic Discontent:

   • Example: Consistently feeling dissatisfied with tasks and responsibilities, not finding joy or fulfillment in the work.

     “This year is going to be my year,” said every year until Jesus returns

4. Reduced Personal Accomplishment:

   • Example: Doubting one’s ability to meet job demands, feeling a lack of achievement despite effort.

     “Imposter Syndrome activate! I guess I’m just not cut out for this type of work. Eva handles her overloaded schedule so much better than I ever will. She looks so happy” -narrator – but Eva was not happy. Her marriage is dissolving but her over indulgence in wine every night has numbed her to the fact that her life is trash.

5. Emotional Exhaustion:

   • Example: Becoming overwhelmed by constant fatigue, feeling emotionally drained and depleted.

     “The body becomes heavy and you move through your chores like a sloth. Your face becomes so stoic and unmoved it looks like you got botched botox.”

6. Cynicism and Detachment:

   • Example: Developing a negative and cynical attitude toward colleagues and tasks, withdrawing emotionally from work relationships.

     “Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck Him, Fuck Her..”

7. Loss of Idealism:

   • Example: Losing sight of the initial passion and career goals, feeling disillusioned about the purpose and meaning of work.

     “I guess Budda was right. All of life is suffering. How many more years of this shit?”

8. Depersonalization:

   • Example: Treating colleagues and clients as objects rather than individuals, developing a sense of emotional detachment.

     “Nobody cares about your daughter making first chair in the orchestra at school, Brittany. Shut up, do your job, go home.”

9. Decreased Personal Satisfaction:

   • Example: Experiencing a significant decline in overall life satisfaction, difficulty finding joy or fulfillment in personal life.

     “Looks like Mr. Burns. Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat. How much longer again?”

10. Chronic Physical Symptoms:

    • Example: Experiencing persistent headaches, digestive issues, or insomnia; frequent illness due to a weakened immune system.

      “Comes down with a terminal case of fuckititis, now even your body hates you and your job.”

11. Isolation:

    • Example: Withdrawing from social interactions both at work and in personal life, feeling a sense of alienation and loneliness.

      “Becomes the ‘Boy in the Bubble’ without the royalty checks. Or better yet, finds the superpower of being invisible.”

12. Complete Burnout:

    • Example: Experiencing an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and despair, being unable to continue with work or daily activities due to extreme exhaustion.

      “Writes manifesto on bosses jaguar just before burning the building down.”

So, where are you in this 12 stepper?

I’m straddling phase 11 and 12. So isolated that I’ve forgotten how to communicate as a homosapien and have resorted to grunts and nods. I’m also forbidden to possess any contraband that may have the ability to produce fire or excessive heat.

How did we get here? 

I’m a firm believer in the importance of the “why” behind things. If we can understand what has led us to certain circumstances, we can begin to shift ourselves and thoughts to overcome and, perhaps prevent this from happening again. That whole, “destined to repeat” it thing.

In my next installment on burnout, I will candidly go through possible scenarios and causes that push us to set ourselves on fire to warm others.

I’ll also share an action plan that can help us overcome burn out and start to enjoy life again.

See you over there!